My Open Letter to South Africa

Hi there, Thanks for having me. It's been wonderful so far, but apparently I haven't been harsh enough on you. Maybe because your people are fabulous and your wine is divine. Or maybe because it really does remind me of California. But I've been told to be blunt with you, so here goes:

1. Your crime isn't that bad. Oh sure it might be bad to a wussy Canuck or Brit. Maybe I caught you at a good time. Maybe I'll see what happens after the World Cup. But I went through your "seedy" Yeoville district. Must I remind you of North Richmond again? I can get a hooker and crack combo for 5 rand (12 cents) there!!! Your Yeoville reminds me of Fruitvale back in Oakland. I don't know if it's this "tough guy" act you're trying to impose, but stop. Really. I've seen much, much worse. And take down the electric fences and barbed wire. You have a beautiful city and that stuff is tacky.

2. Dude, emissions. Look into it. We might not be the shining pillar of environmentalism, but holy hell, you have to come into the 19th century at least when it comes to that. I keep my car on recycled air because I can't take being stuck behind one of your trucks belching out black, BLACK smoke in front of my P.O.S. car. And while we're on vehicles, I highly recommend you drop the Renault. We in the modern world have already done so.

3. Share the wine. Seriously, you have good stuff. Just drop that pinotage shit. What is that? Why did you invent that? That is nasty, nasty stuff. Look into zinfandels instead. Just bring the rest of it please. Look Argentina gave us malbec, which is mighty tasty. You should think about opening up to the rest of the world.

4. Create a decent radio station. Look, I know you all listen to the radio. I really do. We do too, we just don't like to admit it. But for the love of god, I'm sick of listening to Adam Lambert. There's only so much Nickelback I can take (I lost a bit of respect for you when you said Nickelback was cool). I know my taste in music might be strange to some, but at least we have variety. And no, playing Sting does not count for variety.

5. Come into the 21st century in terms of technology. I know you have grand plans - I've heard them. Come to it faster. You know how seriously cool you would be if you were the next generation of technology? You know you already have products here that we haven't seen in the Western World? Instead of talking about how large banks must be in Nigeria, we'd be talking about setting up the next Silicon Valley!

6. Come up to speed with your traffic reports. I watch the Morning Show on SABC2 every morning and I used to get a kick out of your traffic report. Now, it's just pathetic. Here you have a guy that loves to hear himself talk ramble on and on for 5 minutes and you're posting random traffic pictures. Sometimes it isn't even of traffic, it's of buildings!!!!! Look - if I'm hearing about traffic problems, I either want a skycopter hovering over the situation or I want a map of the area that I should avoid. I don't need stock footage of a police car on the median of the road. How hard is that?! Look at this. I use this constantly back home. It can't be that hard to bring it to SA.

6a. While we're on the subject of Morning Live (apparently, my favorite SABC2 show), get a better producer. I can tell your on-air talent is sick of the mistakes that happen. I learned this in school, it's easy to get over the gaffes you have.

7. Grow a set of balls. Again, going back to point 1. Maybe you're overcompensating for your supposed "crime". You are too generous of a country. Trust me, you don't want to wind up like the French and surrender yourself. Do not come down from the energy you've created for this World Cup. I hope that the rest of the world sees this place for what it is and will invest time, money and resources into you to develop you into your full potential. You really do deserve it.

Sincerely,
Derrik